A Bear Story....

People love bears and bear stories and this summer there have been quite few of them, but this might be the best one of all.  Seems that in British Columbia, somewhere near the U.S. Canadian border, police found two marijuana fields with about 2,300 plants.  They wanted, of course, to get rid of them, but they couldn't even get near them because wandering through the fields were 13 black bears.

One of the head investigators said "...the bears were docile..."  Yeah, I bet...they were having a great time hanging out in those fields!  The Royal Mounted Police think the bears were planted there to guard the fields and plants, but I think some bear was wondering through the forest and came upon these plants and called his friend "Dude...I found something that is better than berries and salmon--really".  And before you know it, there was a party happening with every bear in the neighborhood.

The party, is now over...the bears are back to a more conventional diet and the Royal Mounted Police have taken care of the plants that remained after the bears vacated the party!

Party Bear...after the party!!

Jonathan Winters and Robin Williams

Who made you laugh when you were younger?  I thought my 6th grade math teacher was funny, but I don't think he was really trying to be...also I laughed a lot at myself.  I wrote silly stories and then would read them over and crack up.  No wonder I got a job in mental health.

In between my psychotic moments, I would laugh at Jonathan Winters...I loved his impersonations and his humor.  He is in his 80's now and I have no idea what he is doing, but I bet he still has funny moments.  Found this short little video clip with him and Robin Williams on a young (I mean he still had lots of hair and no scandal regarding women who worked for him), David Letterman show.  It made me laugh just like I did when I was too young for senior discounts.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWfSsV6EjgE&feature=related

The World is Not Safe...for Pancakes

Sometimes there is news that is so disturbing that I can hardly bear to read it or share it.  Such is the case about an incident that happened outside a Bellingham, Washington IHOP restaurant.

It seems that "Suzie Pancake" who is, by the way, the official IHOP mascot, was assaulted by a bystander during the middle of the day.  Suzie Pancake, is really some 19 year old woman wearing a pancake suit (see photo), which is humiliating enough but then to get assaulted just for the way you look is beyond sad.

A 22 year old guy just came up to her and started yelling and hitting the pancake.  Suzie the Pancake could have been torn to pieces had it not been for the actions of  a passer-by who grabbed the young guy and tried to divert him to the nearby Waffle House.  Suzie was unhurt but shaken.

What is happening in our world?  There was a time when people could dress up like pancakes and know that no one would ever hurt them...I think it just shows that the world -- particularly the United States is no longer safe for those that dress like pancakes, or donuts, or bugs, or Disney characters.  I support Suzie in carrying an automatic weapon,  grenade launcher, bear mace, or berry syrup containers when she works so that she can safely walk the streets around IHOP and deal with people who may bite, pinch, slap or proposition her.  

Stay safe, Suzie.

Justin Bieber's Memoir

Justin Bieber is writing his memoir.  Yeah, I guess he feels he has a lot to share for his 16 years of existence and he wants people to know how he developed his fame, fortune and hairstyle.

Forgive me Justin, but I don't want to read your short story about how you got noticed on You Tube and how you have 12 year olds tossing their training bras at you.   I want to read a book about how to find treasures at Garage Sales that make you millions.

In case you didn't read about it, there's this guy who 10 years ago is at a Garage Sale in California and sees a couple of boxes of glass photography plates selling for $75.  He unwraps a few of them and decides to barter..$45 later he takes the boxes and goes home.  Today those plates (which have been authenticated as belonging to Ansel Adams) are worth around 200 million dollars.

Wow...I want that guy to write a memoir on how to pick treasures from trash.  I want to know all of his secrets and I want him to also interview folks who show up on Antiques Road Show with their $4 purchases that are worth half a million dollars.

I go to garage sales and I look in the crappy boxes to see if a treasure is there but honestly all I see is trash.  I look at old paintings and all I can think of is Motel 6 decor.  I have no idea how or where to look for a treasure.  I am a master at purchasing crap that is, and will always remain, crap.


So, Justin...your book is not on my reading list, but if that Ansel Adams' photography plate guy writes his memoirs I am buying it and the sequel and the CD.  I am ready....

Dr. Oz is on the Humor Wagon

I thought I was on the cutting edge of things regarding humor and then this morning in the paper there was an article by Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen (who?) about the link between laughing and longevity.  Since Dr. Oz has a television show and I am still appearing weekly at the Porta Potty near the Snow Bowl, I decided I would pass along his advice.  Three tips:

1.  "Get your daily quota of yucks".  Now I am assuming the "yucks" in his tip have nothing to do with things that make you gag. 

2.  "See humor in your life"

3.  "Discover what really tickles your funny bone".

Okay, Dr. Oz and "what's his name", thank you for this article and your advice.  Today, I am going to contribute to your "daily yucks" by showing you this clip from Ellen DeGeneres.  Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFKM1fYXP-s&feature=related

Starbucks--Can You Say Crazy Macchiato?

I was once persuaded by the reminders my creditors were sending, to take a job with Starbucks as a Barista.  I managed to survive the training which included the making of all the drinks and learning the Starbucks language.  Frankly, I was the slowest drink maker in the entire history of the company and my Starbucks language skills often required the help of the store translator. 

Still my work ethic and desire to not have my electricity turned off propelled me into doing the best job I could possibly do. I was friendly, made great foam and would try to help customers who needed assistance in understanding the 3,098 options listed on the menu board. I really liked what I did for awhile...until the Ugly Customer started showing up more and more on my shifts.  The Ugly Customer is any Starbucks person who is just plain crazy and demanding.  I usually don't react to people who are mean and hostile but when I found myself purchasing a holster to carry my whip cream dispenser for protection and revenge, I knew it was time to leave.

Today I saw a You Tube video that brought it all back to me...and when I called my therapist she told me to write about and share it anyone I could in an effort to move through the pain.  So here it is....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNHa4dPCH1k

That Darn Betty White

 Today I was at work and I just started thinking about Betty White and decided to check out her monologue for Saturday Night Live, (this is how my mind works...go figure).  At 88 that woman is still going strong...and funny.  So, here's a laugh moment for today courtesy of Betty White:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srD7bEU9MXA&feature=related

State Obesity Rankings

I recently read an article that ranked the 51 states (D.C. was in there) for obesity levels in the United States.  Mississippi was the worse; Colorado the best.  Arizona was 29th.

I don't get it..was there a contest that I missed?  And how did they get this info?  Did they go house to house, like the Census and ask people to weigh themselves, or did they count the number of pudgy kids or adults per square mile?  Maybe they asked people to pick Jenny Craig out of a line-up and if they couldn't...well, you know that is sign of something.

Now, the part that is most confusing is what are the people in the "fat" states supposed to do with this information?    Move?  Talk to their neighbors?  Go on Tyra Banks' show?  Have neighborhood weigh ins?
Get rid of McDonalds, Burger King or Chicken City?

Okay I know that it is good to eat healthy, exercise and be aware of what you feed your children, but I don't think ranking states is really going to promote this.  In fact, some people in Mississippi may even be proud that they came in as the worst state for obesity.   Who knows?

So, if you live in a "skinny state"-- whoopee!  If you live in "fat states" -- now you know.  And if you live somewhere inbetween, welcome to the world of competition.

Secret Lives

I saw an episode last night on Primetime about a guy who seemed like a great husband, friend, church goer, father and then he suddenly disappeared.  His wife, kids, co-workers, friends went on a frantic search to find him fearing the worse.  What they found out several weeks later was he had been building another, and secret life.in which he identified as bisexual,  "swinger" with several internet sites where he solicited "hook ups" with a whole different identity.  In the show, he was eventually found in L.A.and the reporter wanted to talk with him and find out why he didn't just divorce his wife, and leave...why create such a dramatic exit?  The guy, whose name is hard to recall because he had several of them, was not willing to talk and share his reasons.

I remember watching Charles Kuralt who did "On The Road" feature for CBS news for years.  I loved his visits to out-of-the-way places and interviews with people. After he died in 1997 his long time wife found out that Charlie had a secret life--and wife--and children and house where they lived. Evidently,  Charles was doing more than just traveling the back roads of America in his Motor Home!  Since he was dead he never got to be interviewed and explain why he wanted to maintain two separate lives.

My question is how do you find the time to create, much less develop a secret life?  I mean I don't have time for my own life, much less to create a new one that I am actively engaged in.  How do people do it and manage to keep their two lives separate and secret?  I get overwhelmed just thinking about it.  I am obviously not a multi-tasker.

I am going to get a hold of the guy from Primetime--as soon as I can figure out his name--and suggest that he stop doing whatever he is doing to make a living and start writing a book about Time Management.  I mean the guy is a genius and could make a bundle.  I would call his book:  There is Always Time For Another Life...

Laverne and Shirley

Laverne and Shirley ran from 1976 to 1983 and starred Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams.  They are both gifted comedians whose physical comedy was the center of the show. 

This clip is dedicated to restaurant workers and cooks everywhere:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7oHvQu-dc4

Reviewing Doctor Offices

I just finished reading a review of a local restaurant and it got me to thinking.  Why don't they write reviews in the paper about doctors' offices?  Wouldn't that improve our health care and make waiting rooms a lot nicer?  Here's an example.

I visited the office of Dr. Squeeze and Smooch in a lovely area north of town.  Parking accommodations were unique as they only offer parallel parking or parking at meters that tended to devour my change.  Once however, I manage to get parked, the office entrance was only a few feet away and the walkway was beautifully decorated with large planters and a fountain that made you feel relaxed and serene before the poking and prodding began.

The front office receptionist was friendly although her eye contact was minimal as she requested my insurance card and asked me to complete the short novel also known as my "medical history form".  She offered me a pen but I declined as I prefer to use pens that have only been touched by my own hands.

The form was hard to read in places and the questions were often worded poorly. I also found several misspelled words and more grammatical errors than I could count.  I felt like I wanted to take a nap halfway through the thing and wondered why they couldn't condense this 10 page albatross into something short and sweet.

The office lighting was not the usual fluorescent but was low and soft and I noticed CFL bulbs under the lampshades.  Although this lighting made one feel cozy and at ease it also made it impossible to read the poor quality medical history form.  I had to resort to pulling a flashlight from my bag to read and decipher most of the print.

When I returned the form the office receptionist I had originally met was replaced by a snarly older man who looked over my form and told me (not asked) to take a seat.  I asked how long might it be before I saw the doctor and was told "he will get with you when he gets with you".

I took a seat near a table lamp and reviewed the selection of magazines which was sparse and not inviting--There were several copies of Hunter's Guide, National Geographic, and only two very old People and Ladies Home Journal Magazines.    I resorted to watching the flat screen television which was showing old Dr. Phil episodes although the volume was so low so I had to make up the dialogue.  It was either a show about hairy men or problems with teens who dress like vampires.  I wasn't sure.

The furniture and waiting room was designed in "Early Office" and to say it was boring is an understatement.  I noticed several tears in the fabric on the chairs and a couple of wads of gum were visible under the table holding the poor selection of magazines.  The color on the walls was off white with pictures that had to have been ripped off the walls of a nearby Motel 6.

Finally, a medical person (who knows if she is a nurse of just graduated from an online medical technician course), called my name....(this review will continue in next week's column).

July Horoscopes

Another month and another horoscope 'cause those stars and moons just won't stay still.  If you joined the world in July then you are either a Cancer or a Leo both of which are delightful signs in the Zodiac.

Let's start with those of under the influence of Cancer -- Cancers are loyal, trustworthy, complex and full of surprises.  Cancers make great friends, employers and financial advisers.

Right now, Cancers are experiencing a Juxaposition of their Moon and Jupiter.  This can only mean one thing--it is time to stop thinking and start doing.  Perhaps it is time to build an addition onto your home, or to take a shower, or start drinking or pay your taxes.  Whatever you have been putting off needs to move into the Action Mode.   The Stars say "it is time".

Also, Cancers are needing to start paying attention to how they look....yeah, that is right.  You see your left hand is in opposition to your right hand and Pluto.  This means it is time to start looking fine.  Toss out those dull leisure suits and boring browns, and grays.  It is time to shine, and that means COLOR!  Reds, yellows, oranges, pinks, lime green---all the colors of the fashion rainbow.  Don't be afraid to make yourself look like a taxicab in Thailand!  It is your time to be noticed even if all you get are people looking at you and shaking their heads.  Shine on....

For Leos there are things happening in the moonbeams.  Leos do not like to be alone...no, never.  They love excitement, and attention and like to be in control.  Lions are not docile and passive--they are out there and they are in charge.

Right now, Leos are having some alignments between their 7th and 8th houses and  some kind of asteriod, which means there is a lot going on in Leoville.  Leos are going to feel the pull to work on their relationships with people they don't like.  Yes, that means you Leos are going to play "nice-nice" with people who irritate, annoy, aggravate and just plain make you sick.  The stars say it is time to build peace in the world and Leos have to lead the way...at least until the planets and other astrological things shift a bit.

 Another thing happening for Leos is the Sun Sign has found its way to the forefront of your chart.  This is not easy, but you will find you have no choice but to start watching Infomercials all night long for at least three months.  Yes, and you will tempted to order things that you never wanted -- juicers, hair replacement plugs, laundry additives, music from the Dark Ages...and the list goes on. It will be a time of no sleep and rude remarks from your loved one.  Good luck...

May the Stars Shine Upon You...

America The Beautiful

Yesterday, in celebration of the birth of our nation, Joey "Jaws" Chestnut stuffed 54 Nathan Hot Dogs in his mouth in 10 minutes!!  If that wasn't enough to bring tears to your eyes, the contest was marred by a radical and disgruntled former Hot Dog Face Stuffer, Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi, who crashed the proceedings because he had not followed all the rules to enter this momumental event and salute to our country.  Joey, however, was unwavering even as the police drug "The Tsunami" off the stage swearing in Japanese and demanding his chance to participate in this American Dream.

There is nothing more American than stuffing 54 hot dogs into your mouth in 10 minutes without gagging.  I know that for some Americans, waving the American Flag, watching fireworks and listening to patriotic songs is the way they want to celebrate our Nation's birthday, but for many, watching some guy perform a gluttenous act in public, is America.

God Bless you, Joey....

Cherry Pit Spitting Contest Winners!

There are many competitions in the world--World Series, World Cup, Tour de France, and the hardy recognized  "Annual Cherry-Pit-Spitting Competition" held in Eau Claire, Michigan.  Once again, Rick "Pellet Gun" Krause won--his 16th win.  He spit his cherry pit 51 feet, 3 inches.  Wow...he is gifted, and his wife, Marlene took first place in the Women's division spitting her pit 34 feet, 6 inches--her 7th win. 
Their  training regime evidently is a year round  event and since cherries are seasonal they have to practice with different kinds of pits--date pits, apple seeds, prune pits and in the winter months, they spit ice cubes. 

This competion started 37 years ago when the founder was undoubtedly under the influence of something, and has managed to continue and attract people whose athletic abilities are questionable.  If interested in competing, please first seek professional help.

Becky from Ireland...Don't Mess with Her!

Children are funny, even when they don't mean to be.   This clip was passed along to me from a friend.  It features Becky who is very serious and upset that her school and teachers are giving too much homework--the solution?  Well, let's just say Becky doesn't believe in peaceful negotiations.

You get all the details by clicking here:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFLzFkPZ-3Q&feature=related

A Lazy Boy DUI

It is hard sometimes to find any bits of humor in the news, however despite the tragedies involving people and Mother Nature, there are some funny things.  One of my favorites happened this past year when a guy who had motorized his Lazy Boy chair got a DUI as he was "driving" home.  He evidently modified his Lazy Boy (which obviously he didn't want to move from) by adding a lawn mower motor.  He would "drive" his chair to the local bar and pound down a few.  Don't know if he was speeding, or weaving or popping his leg rest up and down, but he caught the eye (probably for many reasons) of the local police and got the DUI.  I wonder if his Lazy Boy was impounded.

So, despite sad and tragic events there are some tidbits of humor that manage to find their way into the daily news and I am always on the lookout for them.  If you come across any of them, or have a funny story to share, let me know.

There is always a need to laugh....

My email is:  melodyj7@msn.com

Think About It....

• Everyone has a laughter mechanism (although it may appear to be broken and damaged in some people)
• There are thousands of languages; hundreds of thousands of dialects, but everyone understands the language of laughter (a few people may have forgotten how to "speak" or comprehend the language)
• Laughter is contagious (and there are people who need to catch it)

This information (modified in parts that are obvious) comes from "Experiential Laughter Therapy" as presented by Gulshan Sethi, MD of the University of Arizona @ the Integrative Mental Health Conference, March 2010

The News of the Day- -- SpaghettiOs !

Forget the NBA Finals, forget the Gulf Oil Spill, forget AZ's crazy immigration law, the big news today is about SpaghettiOs recall. What will this country do without SpaghettiOs with artificial bits of meat in them?

I am opposed to the dumping of SpaghettiOs as it seems such a waste.  Instead why doesn't Campbell run a contest to make SpaghettiO sculptures?  I mean, think about it...kids, adults, people with no life, could pick up a few cases of the bad stuff and create works of art that could be displayed in public parks, the homes of politicians or even at the Smithsonian.  Of course, to protect some demented adult or child from eating the sculptures they could be sprayed with oil from the Gulf (that would solve another problem), or polyurethane or vegetable oil--whatever.

SpaghettiOs are not really a food anyway so why not take them and create something that will bring smiles to  people who don't know any better.  It is time to take a bad thing and make it into something beautiful.  SpaghettiOs rock!

Jesus does have sense of humor

Today I read that the sculpture known as "Touchdown Jesus" was struck by lighting and burned to the ground.  Now, I know a lot of people feel that God is providing them a sign when they see the face of Jesus in a Peach Pit or Tortilla, so I am wondering what this means?

Touchdown Jesus in case you don't know was named that becuase the way his arms were raised were similiar to a referee signaling a touchdown.  This marvel of steel and foam was located in lovely Monroe, Ohio and had been in existence since 2004...kind of short life for Jesus since he lasted only 6 years.

By the way, some lucky people were nearby as Jesus melted and twisted into oblivion and they wisely picked up pieces and will either sell them on EBay or erect a shrine and hope that it starts to do something newsworthy so they can retire and move to Florida.

I personally believe that this was a sign from God that she is dissociating herself from football, at least in Ohio.  Amen

NEW INFORMATION:  Jesus is being rebuilt in Monroe, Ohio...this time, however his arms will be lower so as not to confuse his blessing with that of signaling a touchdown.  Just a regular 90 ft. Jesus statue...darn.

Politics and Humor

Politicians give us many opportunities to laugh, although that is usually not their intent.  George Bush was often funny because he just was a goof--he made one verbal mistake after another.  Some of things he said made you wince; others made you smile and yet others made you want to contribute to a fund to help him get a tutor or something. 

Today's contribution comes from George...a comment he made during a news conference (year unknown) with the prime minister of Japan:

    "It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship."

I miss that guy...is he doing stand-up somewhere?