Chelsea Handler on Sister Wives

Recently watched Chelsea Lately, the eChannel show which stars Chelsea Handler.  She is my kind of comedian...funny, irreverent and sacrastic.   She will tackle any topic or issue, even her own life with her comedy.  This short clip is from a recent show where she shares her thoughts about the new reality show, Sister Wives--which may soon be off the air since the people on it forgot they were living in Utah and breaking the law.  Sister Wives may soon have a whole new meaning for the 4 women if they end up in jail. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbaCZ94orRg&list=SL&playnext=1

Changing the Age We Retire

I understand that France is attempting to increase the retirement age to 62 and there are a lot of French people who are very unhappy about this...mostly young people who planned to retire much younger than 62.

I think the retirement system in the U.S. also needs revising and for the past few years I have been doing powerpoint presentations at drive-thrus and campgrounds in an effort to promote my proposal for change.  This effort has so far resulted in my making America's Most Delusional List--picture included, but I am thoroughly committed to continue this effort.

My proposal is simple...retirement should begin at 40, continue until we are 60 and then you work until you just can't stand it any more.  I think this is a very reasonable idea because in your 40s most people look good in their passport photos, have energy to do things, and are willing to travel, learn new languages and drink microbrews.  It is the best time to enjoy your retirement.

I am not sure the age people can currently retire in France, but I am thinking of proposing my plan to their government because I need to find a new audience.  Au revoir

Horoscope - Scorpio

I am going to start writing my horoscopes again not because anyone has requested them, but because I have to write something other than long letters to John McCain and Jon Kyle urging them to find another line

work.

So for you astrological types, here is the horoscope for Scorpio.  In case you don't recall dates, Scorpios are October 23 to November 21st.  The sign for Scorpios is that of a Scorpion...not really that clever if you think about it so try not to.

Scorpios are intense little beings who can be nasty if you hurt or cross them.   They are both likable and just the kind of people you report to Block Watch.

If you are a Scorpio just know that you are in for a fun year. Seems that Neptune is aligned with Mercury rising and what that means is beyond me.  However, I do think you will find yourself wanting to spend a lot of time looking at the Dollar Menu at McDonalds thinking there is a message hidden among the menu items.  The message is probably related to your cholesterol levels, but who knows?

Scorpio is a water sign and so after the first of the year you will find yourself unable to resist popping a tent and living near water.  This could mean the ocean, a lake, a stream, or your bathtub--whatever works because if the stars dicate it, you have to it.

Later in the year your 8th house is going up for sale, which means that you are going to have some turmoil in your life.  Can't determine what this is right now--could be a job change, a liposuction procedure, move, relationship change, or a reality show with Wink Martindale, if he is still alive and well.  Be ready for anything.

Remember, Scorpios, Pluto is your key planet, so keep a picture of it in your wallet, on your desk, or better yet, get a tattoo some place where you can share it in public.  Pluto is related to your unconscious mind or maybe being unconscious, I can't remember which.  So, if you are unconscious alot or think you are channeling Sigmund Freud you are in the Scorpio Zone -- yipee for you.

Happy Stars and Planets

Lucille Ball

Lucille Ball started out as a dramatic actress but anyone who has seen her knows comedy was meant for her.  Lucille Ball married Desi Arnaz who was a successful band leader from Cuba.  They wanted to do their own show but found resistance for backing their show because he was Cuban, had an accent and they didn't believe American audiences would like him.  So, Lucy and Desi started their own production company and their show, I Love Lucy was a huge success and is now a classic example of physical comedy.

BTW...this clip illustrates the mind set of the 1950s in America...It makes you laugh but grateful you missed that era as an adult woman.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScLNAVwmjgQ&feature=related

The Diversity of Humor

I love to find a stand-up comic's routine or read something that I find very funny and then pass it along to another person and watch which part makes them laugh.  Certainly, once in awhile someone laughs at exactly the same phrase or word or behavior that makes me laugh, but most of the time it is totally different.

It is often said that laughter is a universal language, but what makes people laugh is very diverse.  Our sense of humor is unique--shaped and formed by our identity, our culture, our family, our beliefs and life experiences.  Comic routines actually celebrate diversity--our similarities and our differences.

I am not ashamed to say I am a graduate of the School of Eternal Optimism, and I think humor and its diversity is one way we can understand and appreciate each other.  I want to start a Foundation that supports the growth and development of humor and laughter throughout the world, which is why I am buying a lottery ticket and saying Novenas to the Patron Saint of Gambling--St. Roulette.   Wish me luck.

The Southern Fried Chicks

Doing stand-up comedy has to be a real challenge.  People go to a comedy show expecting to laugh.  Talk about pressure.  It has to be hard to stand up in front of a glob of people who are just watching and waiting to laugh...and that's the good news.  The bad news is if they are not watching or waiting but texting, sleeping, or leaving.

If you look around there are more male stand-up comedians than female.  Must be as hard for women to break into that field as it is to become President in this country.

I found this clip of four women who collectively call themselves "The Southern Fried Chicks" and thought I would share it.  Could only identify 3 of the women:  Etta May, Sonya White and Beth Donahue, so if you know the fourth woman, let me know.  The clips are fairly short and each woman has a very different style.  So, here's to the women who brave the world of stand-up:  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRZ5jbIEjgU

Who is on First?

Ah, baseball--the sport that has endured walk-outs, steroids and crazy antics of players and fans alike.  I started thinking about it after seeing the advertisement for Ken Burns' documentary, The Tenth Inning.  Ken must love baseball because this is his 2nd documentary on the sport.

I grew up in a baseball family not because of my father, but my mother, who loved it.  My mom was a fan of the National League and during every World Series the television would be on and my mom would be rooting for the National League team.  She, of course, had her favorite team--the L.A. Dodgers.   I know one of the highlights of her life was going to a Dodger's game when we lived in California.  She could scream and yell at Umpires and players alike with the best of them.

Got me to thinking about the old Abbott and Costello routine of "Who's on First".  This routine evolved from early burlesque sketches around the turn of the last century.  Abbott and Costello paid $15 to writer (Michael J. Musto) to write the script and for years performed the routine to live audiences, radio and in movies. I read that each time it was performed, it was a little bit different but always a big hit.

The skit became so well known that in 1956 a gold record of  it was placed in the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York.  If you know the routine, it is fun to watch it again.  If you have never seen it before, here's your chance:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M

Is it Ever Too Late?

Recently I had a mild brain dysfunction and agreed to join a local "Beginner's Running Group".  I showed up with my friend and colleague ready to start doing something I have never enjoyed my entire life--running. 

The first day of the class I noticed the average age of the group was probably 35 which should have been a sign for me to return home and watch exercise videos to see how other people do it...but no....I don't go home.  I listen to the Running Coach and start my first day of running.  At the end of the hour workout I am still standing although my lungs and heart are screaming obscenities at me.  I go home, collapse and have dreams about the Olympics.

The next workout day arrives and I commit  to going back and this time the workout is even harder, however a couple of people closer to my age have joined the group so I am no longer feeling like the paramedics are there just for me.  Off I go with the large group of people and soon I am at the back of the pack reminding myself that there was a reason my 4th grade coach advised me to find another interest besides Track.

Now I am in week three and I am feeling like I can remove the EKG machine I have been pushing around the track during practices.  I even thought about signing up for a 2K next month.  I am either experiencing a Runner's High or delusional thinking.

I am writing about my experience to encourage you to never be afraid to go out and do something ridiculous.  I run a 40 minute mile and have other runners constantly asking me if I am okay and it takes me 30 minutes after the group finishes to remember my name and where I live, but I wouldn't quit if they took me out on a stretcher because it makes me smile to think I actually joined a Runner's Group. 

I miss George W.

Since George W. left office Washington has not been the same.  Oh sure, Joe Biden has put his foot in his mouth a few times, and the Democrats and Republicans continue to do things that are borderline idiotic, but George...he made life interesting and funny almost every day.  I wonder who he is entertaining these days.

I got nostalogic today and looked at this video from David Letterman about George's Top Ten Moments.  I have to admit I got a little misty looking at the video and remembering just what an impression George W. made for the United States to the entire world!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCnjuJ1pbmc&feature=related

The Fun Times with Doctors and Dentists

I think most of our experiences with doctors and dentists are far from fun.  Of course, when I am going to get a gynecological exam I am not looking for my doctor to be a stand-up comic, but I do think a bit of levity could make that entire experience more tolerable.  In fact, I think all doctors and dentists, while in school, should have to pass a class in humor. I mean I know a lot of people whose blood pressure jumps higher the daily Dow every time they wander into a dentist or physician's office.  Certainly a little humor could help to make the visit less likely to promote some kind of cardiovascular distress.

Over the years the doctors I have seen most frequently are Dermatologists.  The woman I am now seeing is able to laugh, joke, smile and behave within the realm of "normal".  The other Dermatologists I have seen, well let's just say the term "normal" doesn't describe them.

 My first experience was with a guy I aptly named, Dr. Mole.  I had gone to my family doctor who said that I had what appeared to be precancerous spots on my face and then he referred me to the Dermatologist in his building.  Obviously he had never visited that office. The receptionist looked like she used to be part of the Addams family.  The office was not bright and open, but dimly lit and felt Hobbit-like.  Great...I was nervous enough about the precancerous thing on my face and now I had entered into a prequel for Harry Potter.  The Mortica look alike led me into another dimly lit and sparsely furnished examination room.  I considered for a brief moment, sucking on the alcohol swabs sitting on the counter just to calm my nerves.

Finally, Dr. Mole moved out of the darkness into the examining room.  He had on latex gloves, a hat, long sleeves, and a mask.  I could only see two small, dark eyes looking at me.  He said nothing, but looked at my face and in a small, tiny voice he said "I must burn these off".

I had no idea how Dr. Mole was going to "burn these off"--a blowtorch?  A candle?  matches?  He then left the room and returned moments later with a large areosol can.  Before I could ask questions he was spraying liquid nitrogen on my face until I started tearing up from the pain.  He did it twice more before he laid his weapon down.

Dr. Mole then looked at me and said, "Never, never, never go out in the sun.  It is bad for you and so you should never go outside when the sun is shining.  See you again in one year" and with that he left.

Boy, was that fun--no conversation--a face behind a mask--burned skin and a brief, squeaky lecture about going out into the Sun.  Not a problem, Doc if I want to live in the Bat Cave with you. This is Arizona and just in case you haven't noticed, there is a lot of sunshine out there.

I never returned to see Dr. Mole again, but I encountered another fun dermatologist a year later.  Can we say "neurotic"  and a bit too trigger happy with the liquid nitrogen.  I swear I would go in thinking I was okay and leave with 30 burned spots on my face, hands and arms.  This woman never laughed or smiled and after one brief surgical procedure yelled at me for bleeding too much.  I believe she is now the official Poster child for several Mood Stabilizers.

Look for a future blog about Dentists...you know, the guys/gals who use your chest for a tray as they drill, spray, hammer and ask you questions while putting their gloved fingers in your mouth.

The National Park Service

Recently I visited Mesa Verde National Park and realized that whoever writes information about hikes and adventures for the National Park Service loves to exaggerate information.

I didn't realize that there were two big tours of the Native American Ruins at Mesa Verde--one being the Cliff Palace and the other, Balcony House.  So me and my group were reading about the tours and the Cliff Palace seemed like a breeze, but the Balcony House was frightening.  It mentioned climbing up steep ladders and crawling through a 12 foot tunnel and lighting candles and getting your last rites before the tour!  It even had a "demo tunnel" at the Visitor Center to give you some idea of how narrow the tunnel was.

I know I am not ready to climb Mt. Everest nor did I feel ready to tackle the Balcony House.  However, the Cliff Palace seemed like a reasonable tour, so I went to purchase tickets from the friendly Ranger at the Visitor Center. This Ranger looked at me, and started talking so fast that I wondered how much coffee she had that morning, and I couldn't quite grasp what she was saying.  Before I could ask for a rerun, she gave me two tickets and shouted "NEXT" and the next unsuspecting tourist nudged me out of the way.  I looked over the tickets--one for Cliff Palace and the other was the dreaded Balcony House!!!

So we crawled through the practice tunnel outside the Visitor Center which was not very long and talked about our claustrophic experiences in life and decided we would go to the Cliff Palace and think about the Balcony House.

The Cliff Palace Tour was like going to Disneyland in the Summer without Snow White and those other characters in drag.  It was physically easy and although the Ruins were impressive, the tour was not.

That's what pushed us to the Balcony House--we wanted a great tour and a Ranger that could provide more than the scripted talk she had rehearsed.  We discussed our Wills and who to notify in case of an accident as we drove to the Tour Starting spot where we were greeted by Ranger Tim and 4 other people.  Tim didn't look like a mountain climber or extreme sports kind of guy. He was in his 50's with a little bit of a belly and when asked questions about the ladders and the tunnel, he said "I do it several times a day".   Figuring if Ranger Tim could do it, so could we, off we went.

The Balcony House Tour was fantastic--six people--a great Ranger who had lots of stories and could answer any question put to him.  As for the death-defying ladder climbs....they were high but not scary or unsafe and the tunnel was tall enough for me to bend over and walk through.  Granted, those over 5 ft tall might have to crawl, but it was perfect for those of us who are vertically challenged.

I went back and reread the paper given at the front gate about the tour, thinking I must have misunderstood how dangerous this tour was, but no, it sounded like something only the very fit or foolish should ever do.  Maybe the people who write these descriptions are frustrated authors of fiction or maybe the National Park Service uses them for the purpose of crowd control.  At any rate, from, now on I am going to definitely hike or go on the Ranger Tour that sounds the most dangerous and terrifying because I know NPS secret!

Flip Wilson as Geraldine...

In the 1970's Flip Wilson made it big by creating a character, Geraldine Jones.  Flip Wilson, by the end of the 70's left show business to take care of his children and died in 1998 without a lot of fanfare. 

Here is a funny clip with Geraldine (btw Flip was an attractive woman in drag), and features a young Bill Cosby and a cameo of Gina Lollabrigida. Whether you remember Flip Wilson or not, this is a fun clip to watch.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9dsng_the-flip-wilson-show-geraldine-bill_shortfilms

Happiness = $75,000

There was a new study done by an Economist and Psychologist at Princeton University's Woodrow Wilson School that says people who make $75,000 a year or more are not really happier than those who make less but that making $75,000 or more makes money less of a problem or a concern and of course, reduces stress that only poverty and low income can create. So, the higher the income, the easier life becomes--wow--who would have thought?

They went on to say that no matter what you make, for "every 10% rise in annual income moves people up the satisfaction ladder", (the scale they used to measure satisfaction).  Okay, now I really feel badly...I don't make close to $75,000 and I have never had a 10% increase in salary.  I want to cry.

 The question I have is who thinks up this kind of research?  I mean ask any fourth grader who is impoverished if he is as satisfied as his classmate who has his own cell  phone, high definition television, and iPod?  It is doubtful he will say "I feel that material things are not as important as the strength of your character".  Give me a break.  We live in world where money is so seductive people lie and steal to get it, so if you make enough to pay for food, housing, luxuries and have money left over, life is good and $75,000 sounds like a great salary to me.

So, based upon this wonderful study I am going to the President of where I work and have a chat.  I am sure he will be willing, once I explain that my happiness and life satisfaction would clearly increase if I was making $75,00 a year, to increase my salary.  Thanks, Princeton boys for this helpful and encouraging piece of research. I guess now we know the price tag for world peace, $75,000 a person.

Toltec Truck Stop

Sometimes life gives you opportunities you would not seek on your own.  For example, a week ago I was on my way to Tucson to visit friends and got a phone call from one of them (also enroute to Tucson) saying her car was having some problems and was I nearby in case she needed to leave the car and drive back with me.  Luck would have it that I was not far from her and so I pulled into the nearest place to escape the heat and wait to hear if I needed to pick her up--the Toltec Truck Stop.

Now, I must admit I have never spent any time in a Truck Stop.  I found the entire experience, enlightening.  My first encounter was with a woman whose lip ring made it difficult for her to clearly enunciate her words.  She worked at the A & W Root Beer Stand.  I love Root Beer and there was a tap on the counter which said to me the Root Beer was freshly brewed, so I ordered one.  Lip Ring gave me an empty cup and pointed me in the direction of the beverage dispenser.  So, I asked if the Root Beer in the dispenser was the same as in the tap.  She was undoubtedly tired of talking at this point so all I got was a head nod.  Off I go to the dispenser only the A & W Root Beer there was Diet--which I didn't want.  So, I wandered back and asked for regular, not diet Root Beer.  She didn't seem to comprehend this request, so I repeated it and I think the 2nd request woke her up and finally I got my Root Beer.  I think it must be hard to remain conscious when you only have 1 customer every hour or so.

I sat for awhile drinking my Root Beer and then decided to check out the "store" in the place.  I never knew there were so many appliances available to Truck Drivers.  This store had a variety of cooking stoves, crockpots, grills, blenders, fryers, refrigerators, wine coolers--all of which plugged into the cigarette lighter!  It was incredible.  Now I know why some times you will see truck drivers driving fast or all over the road--they are probably trying to drive while attempting to cook a gourmet meal.

Probably the most interesting thing was the book section in the Truck Stop.  I expected some books that were funny or had adult content but most of them were religious and about God and the Road..  I loved some of the titles:  Jesus was a Trucker; God Owns the Highway; The Lord is My Back Seat Driver.  My favorite title was Gas is an American Right.  I can't wait for that one to be made into a movie.

There was more to explore at the Toltec Truck Stop, but my friend called and I had to leave.  I bid goodbye to Ms. Lip Ring (she didn't respond) and took one long last look at the place that I don't believe I will ever willingly visit again.  

An Honest Politician

Okay, I admit that I was a member of the Cynics Club regarding most of the politicians who run for office these days.  I think the higher the office the greater the pressure and temptations one experiences and what often gets lost are ethics, values and clarity about why a person ran for office in the first place. 

Then last week I was in Bisbee, Arizona and my friend read me something from The Bisbee Observer and my hope for an honest politician was renewed and my membership to the Cynics Club was canceled.  Seems it is election time in beautiful Bisbee and the local paper was asking questions of the candidates for Mayor and City Council so that the citizens of the town knew more about their candidates.

The questions were pretty ordinary as were most of the answers with the exception of one by W. Boyd Nicholl who is running for reelection for City Council.  Below is the question/answer from Mr. Boyd.


Question:  What Makes you the best qualified candidate for the position you are seeking?*

W. Boyd's Answer:  I do not like this question, it assumes an ego I simply do not have.  Hell, I may not be the best candidate, but I am the only one running!


I don't know anything else about W. Boyd, but I like his style...and his honesty!.  Good luck, W. Boyd.






*taken from the August 19, 2010 edition of The Bisbee Observer, page 10

A Bear Story....

People love bears and bear stories and this summer there have been quite few of them, but this might be the best one of all.  Seems that in British Columbia, somewhere near the U.S. Canadian border, police found two marijuana fields with about 2,300 plants.  They wanted, of course, to get rid of them, but they couldn't even get near them because wandering through the fields were 13 black bears.

One of the head investigators said "...the bears were docile..."  Yeah, I bet...they were having a great time hanging out in those fields!  The Royal Mounted Police think the bears were planted there to guard the fields and plants, but I think some bear was wondering through the forest and came upon these plants and called his friend "Dude...I found something that is better than berries and salmon--really".  And before you know it, there was a party happening with every bear in the neighborhood.

The party, is now over...the bears are back to a more conventional diet and the Royal Mounted Police have taken care of the plants that remained after the bears vacated the party!

Party Bear...after the party!!

Jonathan Winters and Robin Williams

Who made you laugh when you were younger?  I thought my 6th grade math teacher was funny, but I don't think he was really trying to be...also I laughed a lot at myself.  I wrote silly stories and then would read them over and crack up.  No wonder I got a job in mental health.

In between my psychotic moments, I would laugh at Jonathan Winters...I loved his impersonations and his humor.  He is in his 80's now and I have no idea what he is doing, but I bet he still has funny moments.  Found this short little video clip with him and Robin Williams on a young (I mean he still had lots of hair and no scandal regarding women who worked for him), David Letterman show.  It made me laugh just like I did when I was too young for senior discounts.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWfSsV6EjgE&feature=related

The World is Not Safe...for Pancakes

Sometimes there is news that is so disturbing that I can hardly bear to read it or share it.  Such is the case about an incident that happened outside a Bellingham, Washington IHOP restaurant.

It seems that "Suzie Pancake" who is, by the way, the official IHOP mascot, was assaulted by a bystander during the middle of the day.  Suzie Pancake, is really some 19 year old woman wearing a pancake suit (see photo), which is humiliating enough but then to get assaulted just for the way you look is beyond sad.

A 22 year old guy just came up to her and started yelling and hitting the pancake.  Suzie the Pancake could have been torn to pieces had it not been for the actions of  a passer-by who grabbed the young guy and tried to divert him to the nearby Waffle House.  Suzie was unhurt but shaken.

What is happening in our world?  There was a time when people could dress up like pancakes and know that no one would ever hurt them...I think it just shows that the world -- particularly the United States is no longer safe for those that dress like pancakes, or donuts, or bugs, or Disney characters.  I support Suzie in carrying an automatic weapon,  grenade launcher, bear mace, or berry syrup containers when she works so that she can safely walk the streets around IHOP and deal with people who may bite, pinch, slap or proposition her.  

Stay safe, Suzie.

Justin Bieber's Memoir

Justin Bieber is writing his memoir.  Yeah, I guess he feels he has a lot to share for his 16 years of existence and he wants people to know how he developed his fame, fortune and hairstyle.

Forgive me Justin, but I don't want to read your short story about how you got noticed on You Tube and how you have 12 year olds tossing their training bras at you.   I want to read a book about how to find treasures at Garage Sales that make you millions.

In case you didn't read about it, there's this guy who 10 years ago is at a Garage Sale in California and sees a couple of boxes of glass photography plates selling for $75.  He unwraps a few of them and decides to barter..$45 later he takes the boxes and goes home.  Today those plates (which have been authenticated as belonging to Ansel Adams) are worth around 200 million dollars.

Wow...I want that guy to write a memoir on how to pick treasures from trash.  I want to know all of his secrets and I want him to also interview folks who show up on Antiques Road Show with their $4 purchases that are worth half a million dollars.

I go to garage sales and I look in the crappy boxes to see if a treasure is there but honestly all I see is trash.  I look at old paintings and all I can think of is Motel 6 decor.  I have no idea how or where to look for a treasure.  I am a master at purchasing crap that is, and will always remain, crap.


So, Justin...your book is not on my reading list, but if that Ansel Adams' photography plate guy writes his memoirs I am buying it and the sequel and the CD.  I am ready....

Dr. Oz is on the Humor Wagon

I thought I was on the cutting edge of things regarding humor and then this morning in the paper there was an article by Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen (who?) about the link between laughing and longevity.  Since Dr. Oz has a television show and I am still appearing weekly at the Porta Potty near the Snow Bowl, I decided I would pass along his advice.  Three tips:

1.  "Get your daily quota of yucks".  Now I am assuming the "yucks" in his tip have nothing to do with things that make you gag. 

2.  "See humor in your life"

3.  "Discover what really tickles your funny bone".

Okay, Dr. Oz and "what's his name", thank you for this article and your advice.  Today, I am going to contribute to your "daily yucks" by showing you this clip from Ellen DeGeneres.  Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFKM1fYXP-s&feature=related